


I Don't Have A Choice, But I Still Choose You

by destielklainelover



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 00:32:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielklainelover/pseuds/destielklainelover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the spoilers for season 9. <br/>"No."</p><p>"Dean, it’s the only way."</p><p>"I said no." "Fine, but if the angels find us and kill us all don’t tell me I didn’t warn you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Have A Choice, But I Still Choose You

"No."

"Dean, it’s the only way."

"I said _no_." "Fine, but if the angels find us and kill us all don’t tell me I didn’t warn you."

 

* * *

 

 

Dean’s conversation with Ezekiel had ended with the hunter storming out of the room. He couldn’t throw Cas out of the bunker. Cas was human now, and if he was alone the angels would surely kill him, and Dean couldn’t have that. But Sam’s life was at stake, and that was more important to Dean than anything else.

He reached the living room and collapsed on the sofa, running a hand through his hair. He knew what he had to do, but that didn’t mean it would be easy. If Cas got killed it would be on him. More guilt, great, just what he needed. Dean sighed and closed his eyes. Sam before anyone else, even if that meant losing the best friend he ever had. He hadn’t even chucked Cas out on the street yet (damn, it sounded really bad if he put it that way, but after all it was what he was going to do) and guilt was already wrecking him inside. He was just getting up to go and get a beer from the fridge when he heard a voice softly say his name. Fuck.

“Hey, Cas.” He couldn’t do it, who was he kidding? He couldn’t just tell Cas to walk out of the bunker and get away from Sam. He breathed deeply and collapsed on the sofa again.

“What is going on, Dean?” Smooth, Winchester. The way Cas always said his name, like it was something precious, nearly made Dean change his mind, but Sam could get killed.

“A lot of stuff, Cas.” The former angel was staring at him, but Dean couldn’t meet Castiel’s eyes. Cas stayed silent, so Dean took a breath and tried to find the way that would hurt the angel the less. “I really don’t want to do this, Cas, I swear, but it’s about Sam.” Cas was keeping his gaze trained on Dean, the hunter could feel it, but his eyes were burning, because he knew what kind of expression he would be met with if he raised his eyes. Castiel’s puppy eyes were nearly as bad as Sam’s. He forced himself to go on.

“Ezekiel is worried that if you stay here, the angels will find us and kill us all, and I need to protect Sam.” It was already more than he was originally planning to say, so Dean fell silent. Cas didn’t say anything for two very long and painful minutes.

“I understand, Dean.”

“You do?” Dean managed to say, but the knowledge that he was sending his friend to almost-certain death closed his throat and he nearly chocked. He remember telling Cas to get his ass to the bunker because it was the safest place to go to, and now he was sending him away. Dean turned completely away from Cas.

“I’m so sorry, Cas, I don’t know what to do.”

“I know, Dean, I’ll get my things and go.” Castiel’s voice cracked, and Dean had to look up at him. As he had guessed, the puppy eyes were there, together with the determination Cas always showed when he thought he was doing something for the greater good. Cas started to get up, but Dean put a hand on his arm.

“No, Cas, at least wait until morning, I’ll drop you off at Rufus’s cabin or something.” Dean didn’t want Cas to leave right now. The angel wasn’t looking at him anymore.

“I think it would be best if I just left, Dean. Go to bed, I will be gone in the morning.”

“Cas…” Dean couldn’t let Cas leave in the middle of the night, the chances of the angel getting killed were even higher. “Please, stay until tomorrow.” He barely whispered, but Cas shook his head.

“If I have to leave, I would like to do it sooner rather than later.” Then Cas walked out of the room and Dean was left there staring at where his best friend had just disappeared through the door.

 

* * *

 

 

Instead of going to bed, Dean stood waiting next to the door of the bunker. He would at least say goodbye to Cas. It took an hour for Cas to finish packing up, but then he was there, still avoiding Dean’s eyes.

Dean placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

“Cas, buddy, please, look at me.” The angel reluctantly raised his eyes to meet the hunter’s. “I promise I’ll call every time I can, but you have to call me too. As soon as we figure out what to do we’ll come and find you. I promise.”

Cas nodded shakily and dropped his eyes again. Dean was on the verge of tears again. Fuck, so much for no chick-flick moments. He cupped Castiel’s face with his hands to force him to look at him, and without even thinking about what he was about to do he pressed their lips together. A promise.

“If something happens tell me, and I will come for you, Cas, I promise.” Cas hadn’t spoken since their conversation in the living room, and again, he just nodded. Then, escaping from Dean’s grip, he opened the door and stepped out, leaving Dean alone behind him.

Dean leant against the door and slid down so he was sitting with his back to the door. The only thought going through his mind right now was ‘what the fuck have I done’. He couldn’t understand if it was for the kiss or for sending Cas away. Either way, it hurt like hell, and while he could still feel Castiel’s lips against his, the pressure in his heart told him he had fucked up everything again.

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks had gone by since Cas had gone, and since then Dean hadn’t been able to speak to Sam because Ezekiel was always controlling him.

So when he heard footsteps come into the library where he was researching he was surprised to hear his brother’s voice without the monotone that was always present when it was Ezekiel.

“Dean?” Dean looked up from the books and straight to his brother, who was wearing bitch face #71. “Where’s Cas?”

Dean’s insides flipped and he swallowed heavily, already alerting Sam that something had happened. Dean took a few moments to compose himself, but obviously Sam thought his brother wasn’t going to reply.

“Dean?” His voice was dangerously quiet. Sam knew Cas was hunted, and his protective instincts would make him angry enough to kick Dean’s ass for abandoning the angel. “He’s gone, Sammy.” Dean whispered, torn between lying to Sam saying that Cas had wanted to go or the truth (leaving out Ezekiel obviously)

“Gone where?” Sam was angry, and his frown was deepening.

“He left a few weeks ago.” When Ezekiel was controlling Sam, he would plant false images into Sam’s head for the days Sam missed, but now that Sam was awake he could see what was really going on. Dean realized he’d made a big mistake.

“A few weeks ago? He was in the bunker yesterday!” Fuck, Ezekiel made Sam think Cas was still here. Dean was dead. He decided he would have to turn this around.

“Have you been having hallucinations again?” He asked, hoping he sounded worried enough.

“Stop that, Dean.” Dean flinched. Sam was really, really angry now. Thankfully Sam was more worried about Cas, but Dean knew a big fight was in the works.

“Did you send him away?” Dean’s wince was very obvious. He couldn’t say it.

“Dean!” Sam spat.

“Yes, Sam, I did.” It hurt to say it out loud, but he didn’t want to lie about this too.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me, Dean! You know he’s hunted by the entire host of Heaven and you leave him alone, to fend for himself?! HE’S PROBABLY BEEN DEAD FOR WEEKS!” Dean jumped out of his chair at that.4 “HE’S NOT DEAD!” Dean yelled, but fear was already starting to build up inside him, as Cas hadn’t called for a few days.

“Give me the keys.” Sam’s voice was a whisper again, but more dangerous than when he had been shouting.

“What?” Dean managed to say, and Sam glared at him.

“The keys. To the Impala. I’m going to look for him.” Dean glared back.

“You’re not going anywhere! I sent him away to protect you!” Sam’s expression was a lot sourer than it had been before.

“You did what?”

“I told you.” Sam slammed his hands on the table.

“So Cas doesn’t need protection? When did you stop caring about him?” Sam sneered and Dean flinched again.

“I do care about him!” He said, but, although it was true, there was no conviction to it, in light of what he had done.

“I can see that.” Sam said, and walked out of the room. In the distance Dean heard the door to Sam’s room slam shut. He collapsed on the chair again and put his head in his hands. The fight with Sam wasn’t finished yet, considering Sam now knew there was something going on he didn’t know about. Sam hadn’t told him to go and find Cas, but he had made Dean feel even more guilty than he had in the past two weeks. Dean jumped up from the chair. Screw Ezekiel and his plans, he had to find Cas.

 

* * *

 

 

"Come on, man, pick up!" Dean glared at his phone like it was it’s fault Cas wasn’t answering. Dean had no idea of where Cas could be, and he didn’t want to start traveling across America to find the angel, although, if push came to shove, he would do it in a heartbeat.

It took two hours, but finally Cas picked up the phone, except it wasn’t the angel’s voice on the other side.

"Hey there, Dean." Dean shot up from his chair.

"Who is this?" He spat.

"Who cares about the name, Dean. You just need to know I’m an angel, and I’ve got your precious Castiel. Or maybe, not so precious, seeing how you abandoned him while he was hunted by every single angel on earth." Dean slammed a hand on the table.

"Touch one hair on his head and I swear I will kill you all." He kept his voice quiet, knowing that if he started shouting it would break, worry making his guts melt.

“Do you really think we called to bargain? I know how important little Castiel is to you, so I thought it would be fun for you to hear him beg for mercy while I kill him for everything he’s done to us.” Dean’s breath hitched. This couldn’t be happening. He was going to kill Ezekiel.

“Leave him alone.” He said, but this time his voice cracked, and the angel laughed.

“I knew this was a great idea! Do you want to speak to ‘ _Cas_ ’,” the way he said Cas made Dean shiver, because of all the venom that single word held "for the last time? Hey Cassy, it's your boyfriend!". Dean didn’t have time to reply, because then there was some noise on the other side, and Castiel’s very weak voice came on.

“Hello, Dean.” Dean bit back the sob that threatened to escape when he heard his best friend’s voice.

“Cas, this is all my fault, I will save you, I promise.” Dean whispered, hoping the other angel couldn’t hear him.

“It’s too late, Dean. I don’t blame you.” No, if Cas was giving up the situation was bad.

“No, no, no! Cas, tell me where you are. Please.”

“Don’t come for me, Dean. Stay away.”

“Castiel, tell me where you are right now!” Dean shouted, despair taking over him.

“Time’s up!” Came the voice of the other angel.

“No!” Dean yelled into the phone.

“Dean, I-”

“Sorry, Castiel, you can’t talk to your boyfriend anymore.” Dean was clutching the table with one hand desperately. “I want to make this even better.” He heard from the other end.

“Listen, Winchester. You have one hour to find your angel, or he dies and you will hear his screams for the rest of your life. Deal?” A small flame of hope flickered to life in Dean’s chest.

“Deal.” Dean said, and hung up. Dean got out of the chair planning to kill Ezekiel, but he knew the angel was his only hope of finding Cas.

“Ezekiel, you son of a bitch, get your ass here right now.” Sam appeared in the room with a flutter of wings.

“Take me to Cas.” Ezekiel glared at the hunter.

“Why?” Dean stormed straight up to the angel.

“Get me there right now, or I’ll have Sam expel you, I swear to God, I’ll make you suffer.” Ezekiel crossed his arms and kept looking down at Dean.

“How am I even supposed to know where he is?” Dean resisted the urge to punch him only because he was wearing his brother.

“Tune into angel-radio or something, and do it now, or I swear…” Ezekiel rolled his eyes and waved a hand dismissively.

“Yeah, yeah, I got it the first time.” He then touched Dean’s forehead and the ground under the hunter’s feet disappeared.

 

* * *

 

 

When he recovered from the flight, Dean realized they were in an abandoned building of some sort. The air around them was heavy, and the room they were in empty. 

“You could’ve waited while I got an angel blade!” He spat at Ezekiel, and the angel rolled his eyes again. Suddenly, Dean had a blade in his hand.

“Save Castiel.” He told Dean. “But if he ends up getting us all killed don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.” Dean wasn’t listening anymore.

As soon as he had the blade in his hand he crossed the room towards the only door he could see. He pushed it open and there, in a small room with way too many torture objects, Castiel was curled up on the ground, his clothes torn and his face bruised and bloody. This is too easy, Dean thought. As soon as he entered the room the door slammed behind him, and he got into fighting stance, after crossing the room so he could stand in front of Cas.

“Cas, I’m here.” Cas only whimpered when he heard Dean’s voice. Damn, he was probably in worse condition than Dean originally thought. An angel appeared right in front of him, and laughed. He was as tall as Sam, with broad shoulders and muscled arms.

“Your boyfriend’s here, Cas.” He sneered, and Dean glared.

“ _Don’t_ call him that.” Dean said, but the angel just kept laughing.

“Ooh he’s protective and jealous, you found a good one, _Cas_.” The last word was accompanied by a smirk, and Dean saw red. He had the angel pinned to the wall in under three seconds, but the angel just smirked at him again and suddenly Cas was having a violent coughing fit. Dean turned around slightly. He could see red on Castiel’s hand.

“Leave him alone! What happened with Heaven wasn’t his fault!”

“So, Castiel killing hundreds of my brothers and sisters was just my imagination, right?” The angel threw Dean to the other side of the room, and the hunter slammed into the wall, crumbling then to the floor. The angel had pulled out his blade and was storming towards Dean and Cas. Dean returned to his position in front of Cas and got ready to receive the attack. 

"Kill me, but stay the fuck away from him." Dean growled, but the angel just laughed. Then, in a flash, he was upon Dean and fighting ferociously. The angel blades collided and the sound of metal clashing on metal filled the room. Dean was managing to deflect the attacks from the angel but not managing to even touch him with the blade. This angel was fucking strong. 

Suddenly Dean found himself slammed against the wall again, and the angel was upon Cas, his blade pointed towards the graceless angel and a smirk on his face.

"No!" Was all Dean could say, before the angel pushed the blade in Castiel's stomach. Cas whimpered, a hand pressed to the wound, and his eyes, that up until then had been staring straight at Dean, closed. "NO!" Dean shouted again, and fuelled by rage and grief stabbing the angel in the neck was easy. 

Dean fell to his knees next to Cas and pulled him into his arms. The former angel, who was still awake, was breathing, but his pulse was getting slower every second.

"EZEKIEL!" The angel appeared straight away. "Heal him!" Ezekiel shot him a look that reminded him how weak the angel was. 

"I don't care, please!" Ezekiel crouched down next to Dean. 

"This will slow down Sam's healing process." He told the hunter, but Dean couldn't take his eyes off Cas.

"Will it stop it completely?" He asked, praying that he wouldn't have to choose between his brother and Cas, because while the answer was obviously Sammy, he couldn't bear the thought of losing Cas again.

"No, Dean, it won't." Dean let out a sigh of relief, maybe he could save them both.

"Then heal him!" He snapped, as Cas buried his face in Dean's neck. "Cas, stay with me, please!" Dean was starting to panic.

Ezekiel sighed. "It will be easier if I take him back to the bunker." Then, before Dean could say anything else, the three of them were gone.

 

Dean found himself in one of the empty rooms of the bunker, Cas already lying on the bed and Ezekiel next to him.

"Get out of here, Dean." Ezekiel said, but Dean shook his head.

"I can't leave him."

"Just get out, Dean, I'll heal him. You need to rest." Dean wondered if Ezekiel was absorbing some of Sam's feelings and thoughts, if the protectivness he was starting to show towards Dean and Cas meant anything. 

Dean walked over to the bed and ran his fingers through Castiel's hair gently. After touching Castiel's cheek, he walked out of the room. Kevin came storming towards him as soon as he reached the living room.

"Where  _the hell_   have you been?!?" The Prophet yelled. "You've been gone for hours!" Dean glared at him.

"Shut up, Cas is hurt and he's resting." Dean snapped, and collapsed on the sofa while Kevin stared at him.

"Cas?" Kevin asked, and, judging by the way his voice softened, he knew it was a sore spot for Dean. "I thought you had sent hi-" 

Dean cut him off abruptly, not wanting to remember what he'd done to his best friend, even when he knew fully well this would happen. "I know what I did!" He said, and closed his eyes. "I just wish I hadn't." He felt Kevin sit next to him on the sofa, but couldn't bother opening his eyes.

"What happened?" Kevin whispered, but Dean couldn't talk about it right now. The image of the angel stabbing Cas was still clear in his mind, and he couldn't help but be plagued with  _what ifs._

"I can't talk about it right now, Kevin, I'm sorry." Kevin nodded in understanding, and Dean fled the room, hoping some sleep would keep his restless thoughts at bay.

 

* * *

 

 

It took three days for Ezekiel to heal Cas, and in those three days Dean hardly spoke or ate. He couldn't talk to his brother, because Ezekiel had to be in control in order for him to heal Cas, and he hadn't yet wanted to tell Kevin everything that had happened. 

It was early morning, and Dean was in the kitchen making some coffee. He'd been avoiding alcohol since they'd found Cas, but he sometimes wondered if just a drop of beer would help him think less. As he was pouring the coffee into a mug, he heard footsteps come into the kitchen. Thinking it was Kevin, he didn't bother looking up.

"Hello, Dean." Dean nearly dropped the mug on the floor, but after setting it on the counter he turned around slowly, wondering if he'd imaged the deep, gravelly voice. No, he hadn't. Cas was there, standing in the doorway with just a t-shirt and jeans on. Before Cas could say anything else, Dean was across the room and was pulling Cas into his arms.

"You're okay." He whispered in Castiel's ear, and he felt the angel's arms come up and wrap around his waist. 

"Yes, Dean, I believe I am okay, now." Dean breathed out a sigh of relief and tightened his hold on Cas.

"This is all my fault, Cas. I shouldn't have sent you out there alone, I'm so sorry." Dean buried his face deeper in Castiel's neck, never wanting to let go.

"You did what you thought was right, Dean. How many times has that happened to me? And the consequences were always a lot worse than me getting stabbed."

"Shut up." Dean told him, and Cas pulled back to look at Dean. "I don't want you out of my sight again until we get this mess sorted out, understand?"

"I understand, Dean." Dean just stared at Cas, his arms still wound tightly around the angel, and the angel still gripping Dean like he was the only thing he had left in the whole world. And maybe, that was the truth. In those past few weeks Dean had forgotten how blue Castiel's eyes were, and he decided he never wanted to forget again. As their staring contest kept going on, Dean realised that he might lose Cas again, permanently. Feelings that woke up that night when he kissed Cas before sending him away were flooding right back, and Dean nearly let go of Cas because of how strong everything he felt right now was. He decided he didn't give a fuck what this made him, because the angels were preparing a war on Earth, and they might lose each other, and they couldn't waste the time they had. He broke the staring by closing his eyes, and leaning closer to Cas, waiting for him to make the choice.

The violence with which Cas slammed his mouth into Dean's was unexpected, and Dean tumbled back a few steps, while Cas pulled him in closer and closer. Dean's hands slipped into Castiel's hair, and he decided that he could take this nearly closed-mouth kiss a step further. He opened his mouth slowly, hoping Cas would understand what his intentions were. Cas started opening his mouth too, and the feeling of the angel's mouth moving against his was pure bliss. Dean gripped Cas tighter and lifted him up, while Castiel's legs came to wrap around his waist. Dean set Cas down on the counter, never breaking the connection between their lips. Castiel's hands were now cupping his face and angling it so the angel could have better access to his mouth. Dean's tongue poked Castiel's upper lip, and Cas opened his mouth even more, inviting Dean in. The way their lips started dancing together nearly had Dean collapse on the floor, and only Castiel's hands on him kept him steady. Dean detached his mouth from the angel's to breathe for a moment, but he just had the chance to suck in a small breath before Cas was pulling Dean's lips back to his, and kissing him fiercely and passionately again.

"I never want to stop kissing you." The angel whispered against his lips, and Dean groaned in Castiel's mouth.

"Dammit, Cas, don't say anything, just kiss me." Cas pressed his lips more firmly against Dean's again, while Dean ran his hands up and down the angel's chest and into his hair.

"I love you." Cas gasped. 

"I know." Dean whipsered back.


End file.
